Didi speaks…
I’m just sad. Maybe because I miss Pari so much
And when it’s dark, I feel sad faster. It’s already 8 o’clock.
Daddy will be monitored for 24 hours, he said. He’ll keep phoning. Amma said she left her sister’s house, she got a taxi. But she’s not yet home.
I don’t feel like sitting alone in the front room, neighbour aunty has sent food for us. I thanked her and she told me to trust in god, that god would make everything all right
Yes, I also feel that is true but right now, I can’t pray to any god
I’m just… lost
Daddy beat me hard across my face, so hard that I fell back on the sofa. And for a minute, I was really scared that he was going to kill me
I keep remembering that
He looked mad. He ran to the dining chair, picked it and banged it to the ground. He was screaming so loudly that the people upstairs and downstairs must have heard. The chair bounced and fell on the side, he went to smash another chair and that’s when the doorbell rang.
It was the neighbour aunty. Someone had called her and asked her to check on us, she saw my father looking mad. She stood outside with her maid, ‘Children! Come with me! Just come!’
I grabbed the housekey that Amma had kept on the dining table, just in case. I was worrying about going to school the next day, getting my bag and uniform, what if Daddy didn’t open the door…
Next morning, my brother and I came back to the house in turns, sometimes together, we were very quiet. We took what we needed. Daddy was sleeping, we tried to call him.
Between us, we kept the food and water
The way Amma does for us.
I mean, Amma makes rasam when anyone is sick but I don’t know how to.
We were both feeling so out of place in that house. It was good to come back. It was not so good to see Daddy like that. I’ve become more scared of Daddy and I hate, absolutely, totally hate Amma
When it’s dark outside, our house feels gloomy. I went to the kitchen and got scared, I looked around, there’s nothing. The tubelight flickered, the blue walls have an oil paint shine. There are vessels to be washed, I don’t feel like doing that. Nobody cooked today but the kitchen looks dirty
I wish Amma would just come back
How can she leave my brother and me with Daddy? She’s our mother, shouldn’t she have known that this would happen? She says we are her life but she doesn’t take care of us
My cheek is still swollen, you know?
Daddy is saying that Amma has failed in her duty to him. Yes, I suppose that is right.
I want to just sleep and never have to get up again
I don’t have any friends, not that I would be able to talk about home with anyone, that neighbour aunty knows so many things, it’s embarrassing. I mean, nobody goes around talking about their…
I walk to the room that I share with my brother. The room is bright, I don’t feel better.
As usual, he’s playing something, he’s very happy that he won. Yayy! He knows how to be happy
I don’t
I’m feeling bad for Daddy, for us, for me…
He looked up: Ms. Goody-good-good
My stupid brother, not good at studies. I am. Makes new names for me
He: You’re too busy trying to be good, trying to make Daddy happy.
That’s my duty, I have to make sure that my parents are happy! It doesn’t take much, you know? Just study, do what you’re told
He: You do all that, still he beat you and never said sorry
Yes, but I still have to be caring for him, you know? So do you, children should make parents happy
He: Huh? You mean when I was born it was to make my parents happy! Nobody told me
Come on, when you are born, they have to feel happy about you
He: They have to feel happy about me! Just shut up! I don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s irritating
What’s there to get so angry about?
He: Then my parents shouldn’t have let me be born, why did they think that I would be able to do all this duty, make them happy
We’re supposed to be able to!
He starts making silly faces and idiotic voices through his nose: Soo you feel bad for Daddy, you’re sad, boo-hoo-sob-sob. Now you want to start fighting me
I feel bad because I’m supposed to. That’s my duty
He: Then Daddy was right to slap you and long ago, when you were three and he beat you for Maths, that time also…
NOOO! I didn’t say that
He: He hit you because you didn’t do your duty!
Now, I’m getting irritated
He shrugged: Let me finish my game, maybe all this duty is for you because you’re a girl. Mummy has duty, you and Pari have duty. I’m not going to have duty and Daddy doesn’t have duty.
NOO! It’s for all children
He: And not for grown up people?
Yes, because they have done their duty when they were small
He: You’re mad. Now shut up
And now, I’m confused too
Only one thing that we have both agreed on. Amma shouldn’t have left like that. She shouldn’t have taken the neighbour’s help.
And, it’s all Pari’s fault.
Battle lines are getting drawn, the teenager is bearing a load
It doesn’t take much to scramble the brain with duty and responsibility without clarifying what they mean, where they apply and the limits of applicability, does it?
When did the mess in the house begin? When the victim parent took a stumble at standing up for herself and for one child
What a steep climb is this going to be? Is the victim parent going to be able to keep at it?
My book of short stories, The Violent Potter, is available on Amazon. The book is intended for an audience of parents, teachers and grandparents of young children
Link: http://tinyurl.com/466tvf5f
Each story highlights the gap between adult expectations and child perspective. The book is in two parts, Part 1 sees the impact of the gap while Part 2 sees what happens when someone fills the gap with loving perspective.
And… I vlog too, here:
https://www.youtube.com/@violentpotter/playlists